Belonging
"A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people" Brené Brown.
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Our theme for this month is belonging.
Have you ever thought about the word ‘belonging’ - ‘be-longing’ - a longing to be, a longing to be part of something, to be accepted, to be connected with ourselves, connected with others, the world around us.
It’s often synonymous with the word home or acceptance, inclusion, safety. On the other hand what do we have to relinquish to belong, how can we bring the whole of ourselves and still feel we belong?
"What if belonging isn't a place at all, what if it's a skill that has been lost or forgotten”. Toko-pa Turner
Like many people I have often felt an existential feeling of not belonging. As a working class woman thrust into a middle class world I’ve often felt a bit of a chip on my shoulder. In the world of work I am often older than most of my colleagues by decades that can leave me with a sense of being an outsider.
In my Buddhist community (sangha), however, I have found a strong sense of belonging and non judgemental acceptance. Many people who walk into the Buddhist centre often say it is like coming home. We present ourselves just as we are. With our difficulties, our suffering, our longing to be just as we are; fragile, vulnerable.
True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” - Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
Four senses of belonging
I’ve recently done a focusing course on belonging. This has helped me really understand and relate to belonging as a felt experience. We all know how it feels to not belonging, it is a visceral uneasy feeling.
Inner belonging
In the focusing course we explored how parts of ourselves get exiled in order to be accepted. How we quieten elements of ourselves to fit in and how, in doing so, we become fragmented. This banishment of parts of ourselves leads to disconnection; disconnection from ourselves and others. Using focusing we gained a sense of feeling whole, welcoming parts of that have been exiled. This is wonderfully illustrated in the Dog Story by Ann Weiser Cornell.
Belonging with others
Belonging with others is the nature of being human: we are social animals. And yet all of us have probably experienced what it feels like to be exiled from communities or groups, whether in childhood or through ignorance or prejudice. It can be wounding.
The essential dilemma of my life is between my deep desire to belong and my suspicion of belonging- Jhumpa Lahiri
To belong with others we need to feel safe with them and trusting of them - to be accepted. Just like all parts of ourselves want to be heard and made safe, we want to be seen, heard and accepted with others; we can be discerning with this, to whom do we want to feel this belonging with?
Our body has a sense belonging in a collective sense, what this feels like and how it aligns with our inner belonging. There is a sense of easeful harmony (more on that next month).
Belonging in the natural world
You have been built up from nothing by the spare parts of the Earth
…you are recycled butterflies, plants, rocks, streams, firewood, wolf
fur, and shark teeth, broken down to their smallest parts and rebuilt
into our planet’s most complex living thing. You are not living on Earth.
You are Earth.
Aubrey Marcus
We belong to the natural world, and yet it is so easy to feel cut off from it, especially if we are urban dwellers. This alienation from nature leads to a sense of disconnection and destitution. It somehow diminishes our experience. We need to kindle this relationship; nurture it. This can be as simple as sitting in the park, listening to birdsong, gazing at the stars, walking barefoot, cloud spotting or wild swimming. Whatever it is that gets your senses connecting with nature and helps you find your sense of belonging in the natural world. We belong here.
Belonging to the cosmos
For as long as I can remember I have felt there is nothing more awe inspiring than standing looking at the stars. One rural retreat I sat by a fire in silence with others watching shooting star after shooting star trace across the sky. Years ago I bought a telescope to get a better view. Understanding the stars and their trajectory eluded me and my non mathematical mind but I caught a closer glimpse at this magical universe. One of my favourite films is Contact based on the Carl Sagan book of the same name and it speaks to the connection with the wider universe.
Buddhism speaks deeply to this profound mysterious big picture of interconnectedness. This sense of belonging to something bigger which is filled with benevolence, possibility and kindness, inspires awe, wonder and gratitude. It is a felt sense beyond words.
The House of Belonging, David Whyte
I awoke this morning in the gold light turning this way and that thinking for a moment it was one day like any other. But the veil had gone from my darkened heart and I thought it must have been the quiet candlelight that filled my room, it must have been the first easy rhythm with which I breathed myself to sleep, it must have been the prayer I said speaking to the otherness of the night. And I thought this is the good day you could meet your love, this is the gray day someone close to you could die. This is the day you realize how easily the thread is broken between this world and the next and I found myself sitting up in the quiet pathway of light, the tawny close grained cedar burning round me like fire and all the angels of this housely heaven ascending through the first roof of light the sun has made. This is the bright home in which I live, this is where I ask my friends to come, this is where I want to love all the things it has taken me so long to learn to love. This is the temple of my adult aloneness and I belong to that aloneness as I belong to my life. There is no house like the house of belonging.
Next time: for paid subscribers a guided audio meditation on belonging and the following week a creative prompt.
There are four different offerings of Wabi Sabi Life each month (one each week).
A monthly themed newsletter - some themes I am exploring include hope, doubt, harmony and wonder.
A regular audio reflection or meditation (for paid subscribers)
A creative prompt (for paid subscribers), something to unleash your self awareness and self expression.
A monthly ‘Scintilla’ newsletter - a round up of what’s on my cultural radar
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About me: I am a western Buddhist in the Triratna tradition and have been practising since 1986. I have a love and admiration for the simplicity and beauty of Japanese culture and aesthetics which appeals to my zen minded being. I am also a mindfulness and movement teacher, writer, and creative health professional.
Thank you for this beautiful post!