Wabi sabi is drenched in bittersweetness. How much of life is woven with ephemeral beauty, moments which fade, experiences unwelcome, expectations unfulfilled? With yearnings beyond our reach, the litter of life’s broken promises strewn around us.
Bittersweetness is the simultaneous melding of happiness and sadness, the poignant kiss of life and death, the kaleidoscope of intermingling feelings, now one thing, now another.
This sorrow and longing makes us whole says Susan Cain, whose new book Bittersweet is and interweaving of narrative, research, philosophy, psychology, art and religion. C.S Lewis called it the ‘sharp wonderful stab of longing’ and the subtitle of the book is: how sorrow and longing make us whole.
The first part of the book explores the purpose of sadness and longing. And how creativity is associated with sorrow. Cain writes that:
“studies have found that sad moods tend to sharpen our attention: They make us more focused and detail oriented; they improve our memories, correct our cognitive biases.”
The second part of the book Bittersweet looks at the ‘tyranny of positivity’.
For many years I was fascinated by positive psychology. I read a lot about it. I almost did a Masters degree in it (Covid intervened). For me it had useful ideas which resonated with the Buddhist idea of cultivating positive emotions.The goal of positive psychology is to answer the fundamental questions of what makes life worth living and how to improve life for people.
But there was always a niggling doubt in my mind that it was just too one sided. Of course, positive psychology was trying to redress the balance of psychology’s focus on psychopathology - what happens when things go wrong - but life is never black and white.
As complex human beings have all kinds of emotions each serving a purpose. ‘Negative’ emotions exist and have positive benefits. Guilt, remorse, regret, frustration, for example, can motivate us to positive change and reflect on our values and ethics.
The terms positive and negative are in themselves misleading. Emotions exist, they are the barometer of our experience. The canvas of our responses to all life throws at us.
A crucial task for any theory of well-being is to give a credible accounting of the value of pleasant and unpleasant experiences, especially suffering” Haybron
With ‘negative’ emotions we might gain wisdom, humility, patience and faith. This might lead to endurance, acceptance, transformation and even transcendence. This is about adapting and being in the flow of life.
The originators of positive psychology consider relief of suffering and enhancement of happiness as two separate endeavours, but this has been challenged, as suffering and happiness are interrelated; two sides of the same coin. How can we know happiness without suffering?
Virtue, meaning and purpose, resilience and wellbeing are said to be the four pillars of positive psychology.
Virtue is concerned with what kind of person we want to be and the kind of values and character strengths we want to possess.It is about the common good, the noble good even. It has a strong altruistic and compassionate underpinning.
Meaning is vital to human existence.
“The attainment of meaning is one of the most central aspects of human existence …[this] goes beyond the confines of science to explore narratives, myths, and culture” - Wong
Purpose has to do with overall direction, life goals, and core values. It is about what really matters in life and what would make for the ideal good life. It can even mean devotion or surrender to something larger and higher than oneself. And deeper still a contemplation and self reflection on one’s place in the larger scheme of things is needed.
“The psychology of well-being needs to focus more on the positive potential of transcending and transforming negative emotions” - Wong
Do we want a life of personal happiness and success? Or a life of meaning and virtue?
A happiness-oriented person is more likely to give up in the face of adversity, whereas a meaning-oriented person is more likely to persevere in spite of personal suffering.
Some qualities of a meaning oriented person include:
Responsibility above feeling.
High in compassion and altruism
High in delayed gratification
Endurance & perseverance
Willing to sacrifice self interests for family & friends
Will speak up against corruption
Places moral and ethical principles above expediency
High in self-control, transcendence, courage, spirituality
Actualizing meaning & purpose
Pursuing worthy ideals, even at personal costs
Concerned with how to live a life good in all respect
Concerned with satisfaction with one’s life as a whole
More interested in nurturing the inner life—inner peace & joy1
The book also looks are mortality and grief and an awareness of impermanence. I’ve yet to read the book fully but enjoyed hearing her talk about it on a recent podcast.
Strangely enough, as I was writing this, I read a Q&A with Shirley Manson singer in the band Garbage who said the song of the band she has most recently fallen in love with is ‘Only happy when it rains’ - because it’s about ‘getting a kick out of the dark, whenever things are challenging , our sense of humour and collective ability to capture energy from failure has propelled us though and allowed us to rise over and over again.’
For an excellent overview of the developing field of positive psychology I recommend Dr Paul Wong who wrote Positive Psychology 2.0